Great career advice just for YOU.

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Tip 1: Make sure you get your email out of the way straight away on arrival. Categorise the contents into act now, later and pass to others.
Tip 2: Don’t look at your email for the first few hours. Follow through your own schedule and don’t get distracted by communications that deflect that schedule.

Tip 3: Plan out every hour of the day, starting at 5.30pm and working backwards.
Tip 4: Don’t plan the day by hours. Allow the larger themes of your job role to determine the proportions of your time load.

Tip 5: Take a break every half hour and switch to another task to keep a fresh mind.
Tip 6: Get yourself into the swing of the task, a mind space, in the zone, without taking breaks.

Tip 7: Visualise yourself in your next role and work at a higher level as if you are preparing to take it on.
Tip 8: Don’t try to anticipate your next role as you will always create it around you when the time comes.

Tip 9: Schedule regular public dialogue with your co-workers and take care to listen.
Tip 10: Avoid meetings unless to address specific needs

Tip 11: Don’t read those ‘life success tip’ list blogs, they are a pack of shit. All of the contradictory advice listed above comes from the same source. You don’t need to take advice from ‘idea puppy mills’.

Tip 123: They see no problem with listing contradictory advice, because the goal is not about actually achieving anything but teaching you to be an efficient component. Contradiction is actually good to keep you open to suggestion.

Tip 12: This kind of writing is an attempt to regiment your thinking so that you remain a useful cog in a system that concentrates wealth and leisure with a few people, and wastes your short life on this earth.

Tip 15: You are going to die. Time is running out. You will become sick and not be able to fulfil those aspirations that matter most to you. That’s the most important item on the schedule, so fuck email tips.

Tip Horse: The best answer to work is to change management to trust. That is, work on the basis of your humanity, not become technology.

Tip toe: And don’t be an arsehole, that’s a cheap diversionary aspiration. There is no need to act like Steve Jobs, just because it gets promoted in popular fiction as a way to exercise power. Kindness is a difficult virtue. We are all in the same tunnel.

T1#262865: But you already knew all of this.

Five reasons why I’m not an ‘artist’.

1. When I worked in advertising I was surprised to meet people who didn’t do anything. They are called ‘art directors’. People like myself that perform the actual tasks are called ‘operators’ and there is a strong class distinction which leads ‘art directors’ to cross their arms while speaking near any object that they may accidentally use*. I was employed to move text on a page for an irate person standing a few feet away from the means to do it. Apparently their pureness of thought would be sullied by contact with a mechanism.

It was shameful to then work at a university where I would speak as an ‘academic’ and have a ‘support’ staff member come in and touch the equipment I was speaking about. This partly comes from film production, where the auteur tells a camera operator what to do. The day that Alex Davies was sent in to touch the equipment for me I called bullshit on the whole idea. I touched the equipment. I will not accept this division between worker and foreman.

I can use a video camera, I have practised its handling over many hours and learned the muscle skill of it. I position the tripod, sand bag it, frame the shot. I set the shutter and the aperture. I raise lights and aim them. I replace bulbs. I write code, slowly and poorly and am even worse at soldering – but I do it. I make digital composites in Photoshop and After Effects. I build games and animate 3D objects. I replace daughter boards. I justify text on an A4 spread. I cut vinyl, print, sew.

When I taught ‘digital media’ I assured my students that they would some day not have to put up with ‘art directors’. I’ve since lost that hope. The gatekeepers have been torn down but artium magister now stands ready to keep the techniplebs under foot.

This post was prompted by something I read about field recording. Yes, I hold a microphone. I choose the appropriate kind; shot gun, crossed pairs. I set the levels on the recorder. I set edit points. I cut tape. I adjust clip amplitudes. I apply filters and set fades at the edges. Does someone have a problem with any of this? Because I don’t care. I have a problem with people who rely on ‘operators’ and ‘assistants’, who are ‘ideas people’, who ‘direct’ others, who evidence a distaste for production, who have tried to turn their ignorance into some kind of superiority. Like eating in restaurants somehow makes them a chef.

2. The first time I made an ‘artist talk’ at a significant event was a Sydney Biennale. Up on stage was a gaggle of ‘media artists’, who like me had a sculptural sound or video work currently on display. When asked to explain the work I said that if I had to use words, it had failed to do its job, and that the audience should go and see it if they needed. That was the first time I encountered a deeply angry ‘artist’ who spent the rest of the panel punishing me for sacrilege. It’s not been the last, but these days I laugh at them.

In every definition of art I’ve read it comes down to context. The ‘artist’ creates a work ‘in a studio context’, which then goes into the marketplace ‘in a gallery context’ for an audience who engage with the work ‘in an arts context’. This explains how somebody’s dirty old bed and their trash gets shown in the Tate Gallery; it’s in context. This is a fantastic sleight of hand which suggests there’s a hidden aspect to everything that is visible which evades scrutiny. A kind of dark matter holding art together.

Even if you don’t want to go down that rabbit hole, just see that an exchange between two parties takes place. There is communication. When I communicate I think it best to use the appropriate means to do so, which shouldn’t then require subtitles. I insist that the thing itself is what matters, and I deny the idea that there’s a separate rather mystical layer to the whole business – a mysticism that often gets turned into International Art English. I have great respect for writing and words. But I don’t think that they are always necessary.

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3. Opening night comes and everybody does their entrances and dances like an 19th century costume ball, followed by days of empty rooms and bored gallery staff. It’s such an ineffective means of connecting with a wider audience that the sham is obvious – the audience is the least important aspect of it. It’s about the congregation, their bonds and alignments. Every career involves some politics; being ‘an artist’ is no exception and requires constant stroking of the powerful and important. All of which distracts from the work (and probably why so many artists employ operators).

Recently I was speaking about visual music at a gallery. Halfway through the talk there was a flurry of suits and the audience fluttered around in an agony of politeness. The incoming federal arts minister was making an inspection and much bowing and scraping was in order. I didn’t care, did not pause or give the suit man an inch. It was my talk, and fuck the politics.

Worse in my eyes is that real friendships are masked by the arranged ones. I’ve met some good people who are also ‘significant artists’ and so we could only communicate via approved dance steps of interviews, panels, audiences. As I get older I forget to follow protocol and do things like punch ‘significant artist’ arms – it seems to shock but I think the actual person is grateful for being reminded that human contact is still possible.

4. I’ve said it too many times: the ideal of an artistic career is inertia. Innovate for a while. Find a practice, a style, a scheme that earns attention. Repeat it endlessly, never daring to step outside your persona because the system will need to bind you to an iconic representation of yourself. Do you reproduce famous paintings as slow motion videos? Or use a skateboard as your macguffin? Better stick to that. Keep on making action painting, or ‘industrial’ tape cut up until you die – which is your prime function, sealing off the quantity of your saleable work.

Artists that constrain themselves are recognised more quickly, they are funded, they are more acceptable to publications because they are easier to digest. They are the cheddar cheese of creativity, and when I am I told that ‘all the best work is happening over here’, I know the place to look is anywhere but there. Innovation is part of a continuing vitality, and confusedly being alive is more important than being neatly dead. We should never ever pre-organise ourselves into categories that fit nicely in museums, journals and repositories. That’s like pinning yourself into a display case.

5. The quality of much ‘celebrated art’ is debatable and fails to inspire any true love or respect. Given that the audience is not required, the thing itself needs endless explanation, the auteur has no skills and innovation is abandoned as soon as it gets in the way it’s amazing that there is any good work at all. It’s made by people that don’t buy into all this bullshit. That’s what I want to be.

What will we call ourselves? The Kraftwerk guys were onto something when they called themselves ‘music workers’. But I have another idea. In advertising the term ‘creative’ is a mixed signal, it seems to be a positive, but can be a polite substitute for ‘operator’. I’ve often heard somebody say, ‘we’ll get our creatives onto that’. It means ‘all slaves to the oars’. If so, perhaps we can claim ‘creative’ or ‘operator’ back. It can be our own swearword.

* ‘Class’ seems a heavy handed term until we recall that some societies such as ancient Greece and pre WW1 England defined the upper class by their inactivity.

The Future of the Future

Time’s Harry McCracken does a worthy compilation of Futuristic prediction videos. He goes beyond the usual tittering by including both Future Past and Future Current and calling out the overall pointlessness of the exercise. As he says, imagining is not imagineering in the Disney sense and these dreams are rhetorical to the progress of engineering as a whole. The admen aren’t really aware of  the back end; they’re just another noisy user group. With a budget.

Oddly he includes the British Post Office in ‘Corporate America’. I smell a subeditor.

He’s shy to analyse the latest videos in the collection – the dreams of the late 2000’s are ‘too soon to predict’. Hell, I’ll predict them – that’s my job. I’m mainly looking at Microsoft’s 2009 opus Productivity Future Vision:

PIPES: all these videos are obsessed with pipes (or what Brazil called ducts). Whether it’s railroads, highways or datastreams, the visionaries can’t get over moving stuff from place to place, which is just a sublimation of their childish vroom vroom. This goes with centrally controlled data, the cloud and all that push to have everything locked up in a safe to which you can hire access. Local storage is smelly right now. It’ll take a few oops events to change that view back to having a library at home. Like your own garden (which is currently fashionable).

CLEANLINESS AND ORDER: Even the goddamn coffee cup has an allocated space on the virtual office desk of the future. Walls are clean of fingerprints. All the children have clean hand inspection every 30 minutes and jam sandwiches are verboten. No chair has a coat thrown over it. Every future office looks like an ad agency (e.g. Google circa 2009). The future is always off-white with tasteful splashes of colour – a world that looks like a magazine layout.

Everywhere I have worked has been a chaos of shit everywhere and where the hell is my pen. I am a mess and yet I am in the main efficient. My data is all over the place despite every attempt to corral it, and heaven help any algorithm that thinks it’s going to ‘smart folder’ anything.

Part of ‘the future’ is hiding unpleasant things. Amazon delivers neat clean little packages to your door so you don’t have to see the wait staff or have any sympathy for their situation. An interface is a way to hide unwanted information. Like other people’s bodies.

WEALTH: Good for those Indian kids in the video, the ones teaching American children how to write funny. They are obviously not the 58% under 5 years old who are stunted by malnutrition. Here’s a nice infographic that could be really cool to put up on the virtual classroom wall. The wealthy American and Indian kids can discuss it by drawing animated poor people chasing food scraps.

I like the house that the American guy owns, maybe it’ll become unoccupied by foreclosure – it would make a good squat. But really the point is that shovelling graphical information around in circles is not the same as actually making things which is what I thought was ‘productivity’. No one seems to make anything in utopia; they just graph what the Morlocks are doing in some remote part of China and wonder at their increasing irrelevance. Twit all you like, it’s not actually creating a damn thing and you are going down the toilet.

AGE: People are getting older, and they can’t work out the bar at the top of Microsoft Office let alone all the cyberpunk that the ad people are hurling onto every surface. My direct experience with trying to help the aged in using technology was a humbling one, and I expect that humbling to be the dominant feature of the coming years. Only when the people making the ads are themselves arthritic will they stop with all this pinching and flicking and diddling all over bits of glass. The elderly will not be using tablets, and you are going to be elderly.

LOGISTICS: Did you like the bit where the Chinese guy catches a plane and there’s no queue? (I mean there’s no one in the damn airport at all, which is back to the whole paleofuture fetish about hiding other human bodies which are utterly distasteful). There’s no one on the plane? So how the hell does Boeing manage to keep flying when no one is on their damn plane and fuel prices just keep rising and rising? Maybe we could push some graphs around a piece of glass and work that out.

(Oh yeah I should mention the teacher at the beginning flying first class and working out her curriculum on the plane. Can I have that job please? Sure would be sweet to just arrange stuff and make it happen without being on the ground to physically make sure that it’s going right.)

ACTUAL REAL WORLD TESTING: We recently had an upgrade at our main teaching hall. To operate the lights and sound you use an iPad fitted into the lectern. So to turn down the lights you push the button on the pad, swipe to open the application, touch the interface to start it, touch the tab to switch to lights and then touch one of about 5 lighting levels to set the mood. That sure beats turning a knob. I mean if you had a knob that would mean you could instantly set the lighting level to a near infinite number of levels. With the iPad, you get to see the logo of the university each time, and that my friends is the future.

My executive take on this is that to create our optimal future as shown in this genre of video we should immediately tear down anything old and start genocide of the poor, elderly, and children that have dirty hands. You might find that sentence distasteful, but why didn’t you find the video version of it distasteful?

2012 What a Cracker!

It doesn’t get any better than this! You look back over 2011 and say to yourself ‘obvious Leibniz quote’. I myself enjoyed a cornucopia of death, taxes and medical bills with the occasional meaningless workplace drudgery to salt the meal. But let’s not linger on the past when a glorious future awaits!

In 2011, many people protested about their shitty government and in some cases like Egypt managed to replace them with an identical shitty government wearing different epaulettes. The American media slow clapped along like a fuckwit, wanking on about Arab Springs and Tweets until their own young middle class intellectuals started shitting on their lawn. Hey! No Fair!

Hilarious edgy Pol Pot T Shirt for women only $12.99

Time Magazine’s solution to the doublethink is an astounding piece of nationalistic bullshit – for the period 1990 – 2010 for young people, radical critiques and protests against the system were mostly confined to pop-culture fantasy and rebels fighting the all-encompassing global oppressors were just a bunch of characters. Although Kurt Andersen, author of this very special piece of pleading allows that there were a few exceptions, like the protests that, along with sanctions, helped end apartheid in South Africa in 1994. Millions of oppressed black South Africans say thanks for caring Kurt!

“Massive and effective street protest” was a global oxymoron – pardon me while I go tell the people mourning their dead over the last 20 years – hey! Stop that! You guys aren’t Protest 2.0.

PROTEST 2.0.

If you’re a venture capitalist by now you’ve stopped reading and whipped out your white iPhone 4.0. Everybody get back to the office pronto we’re ON A NEW ROLL! The protests of the last 20 years were scruffy disagreeable things, brought on by the dregs – this time we are live on Twitter and Facebook – the revolution will be narrowcasted – the executives at PepsiCo are dusting off their old ‘Pepsi Generation‘ campaign. There are Guy Fawkes masks to sell, camping equipment, black turtleneck sweaters and WiFi by the hour. Protest 2.0. is OK with the system because there is money to be made. In 2012, protesting becomes a solid career choice:

What Do We Want? We want to emulate the baby boomers by honing our media skills in faux rebellion before founding media and advertising companies that strangle the world for the next 50 years. When Do We Want It? Can we skip the 70’s and get straight to the comfortable bit?

We’re all expressing our anti-statism by these masks we bought on Amazon © Warner Brothers.

In 2012 the election process will incorporate angry street demonstrations by individuals such as General Motors, Blackwater and Boeing, ‘sticking it to the man’. This piece of theater isn’t necessarily a bad thing – Revolution nearly always is rewarded by Bonapartes, Stalins, Pol Pots and Lukashenkos, which makes all the spilled blood a sorry waste. North Korea’s succession planning looks pretty smooth compared to these ‘springs’. As do ‘elections’ in which one wealthy tinkerer hands over to another.

Worldwide: Putin isn’t going anywhere in 2012; the Tzar is the Country to the last drop of (your) blood. China on the other hand is safe only so long as they keep the money rolling, something that looks a bit dicey. China is like a huge mall with not quite enough shoppers – stockpiles of unsold goods, entire empty cities built for real estate investment, piles of useless US cash… and the Chinese government will be quietly changing hands in 2012.

USA ELECTION

I’m stoked to hear that Ron Paul is in the running for United States president. The USA is like an old friend on life support in a hospice, waiting to die but taking time to do it. President Paul is the sweet release the country needs.

Imagine the scene on Paul’s entry to the White House – the first day his supporters totally sparking up a fat doobie because hey it’s 4:20 all the time with the TOKUS POTUS. Weed smoked they are surprised to find their local bank closed as going back 50 years to the gold standard wiped out the liquidity of the US economy, destroying inter-bank loans and consequently banks. So maybe Pizza Hut can pay their wages in bottle caps – problem is with no loans, there’s no credit, no buying and so no business to conduct. Sorry dude, closed down.

OK so it’s barter system – I’ll swap you for your bacon. Thing is, most pig farmers don’t want skull candles, bitcoins and paintings of Sonic the Hedgehog in Karma Sutra positions. By the time they figure out that with no cops you can just go take the damn pig, it’s too late, the unemployed cops have already formed a gang running the city. That lasts for as long as it takes for US troops to arrive back from their closed postings, hungry and in pitched battle with the cops, pig farmers and cons sprung from jails. Let Liberty ring!

This is the moment that musicians have waited for. Years have gone by where they’ve been told they can live off T Shirt sales. Some bands have entire warehouses full of unsold tour T shirts. In Ron Paul’s America, a black XXL Tshirt with AC/DC Ball Breaker is worth a day’s weed. Pretty soon there’s a new economy you can wear.

In the 2016 Elections the top candidates are all self made via tour merchandise and it’s a close call between Democrat Spears and Republican Simmons. What no one expected is that China now wants their money back – all of it. As the paper amount owed is more than the entire gold reserves of the nation the Chinese declare the USA a special economic zone with their own appointed President David Bowie.

CULTURE

The plebs were encouraged to horde for most of the 20th century and filled their huts with LPs, CDs, DVDs, cartridges,VHS tapes, in some cases even books. In the 21st century a new money making idea spun up – to have plebs copy all this media onto hard drives for consumption on newly purchased e-books and tablets. The ripping and scanning took a while, but by 2012 the effort had nearly paid off – threatening the lucrative money making. In February a new fashion is struck – conspicuous dubbing. The very wealthy start to copy their ripped VHS and vinyl back onto VHS and vinyl, breathlessly reported in Tapedecks of the Rich and Famous, Cassette Idol, Hissy Missy and New Bounce causing a wave of copycat copying back and forth from disc to drive to tape back to disc. It’s a sorry teen that doesn’t have at least 50 copies of each title clogging every inch of their intimate space. For this reason the children born 2000-2005 become known as generation loss.

In 2011 wealthy photogenic people married, selling photographs for large sums of money to women’s magazines. Then promptly divorced. The battle for GLBTQ people to carry on the same crap is won over the following years, extending hence to pets, the deceased and animes allowing a glut of stars, marriages, editorials, lawyers and divorces that reaches a crescendo with the infamous Twenty Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Seven Sisters, Two Corpses, A Chinese Dinner et al. fiasco where the cost of the cake greatly exceeds the take.

GAMING

Most popular game for 2012 – Bioshock Angry Birds. You are the lone stranger thrust into a forgotten valley – the decaying masterwork of Chinese ultra libertarian 恭喜發財紅包拿來 who planned to fill it with the entire Yangtze before being overcome by rebel forces. You arrive in the fifth year of the endless war between the objectivist Pig and communist Bird forces. And there’s a young psychic girl or girls that have to be rescued or something because the Bioshock franchise ran out of ideas in 2007.

AUSTRALIA

The Prime Minister describes the Leader of the Opposition as ‘something nasty shat out a pole cat’s exhaust pipe’. The Leader of the Opposition replies that the Prime Minster is ‘the film that forms over a bucket of cold goat’s sick’. The Australian People join in mass whining about how poor they are, conducted by wealthy radio announcers. Miners dig stuff out the ground. 500 more branches of Pie Face open in Sydney, bringing certainty to a diagnosis of epicurean cancer. By the end of 2012 hostilities between Pie Face and Flight Centre escalate to pie throwing and pilot stomping before Nibiru wipes out the whole lot and good riddance.

(Edit: repairing some of the weird tenses and other effects of Gin.)

 

Life

I am sorry that the last post caused a few people to write in, as it was just supposed to be an admission of having nothing very interesting to offer. If I have cancer or some shit I will write, ‘I have cancer or some shit’.

There is no mystery. This is a process that everyone knows; of being dragged away from what you should be doing to trivia that others think more important. Let’s have a drinking game; every time I mention something that you’ve experienced, take a swig.

* Your workplace is so pleased that they move you on to some other role in which you have no experience. You now have to find somebody to take over your old role and train them as well as learn the new job.

* It’s a management role. That is, it involves telling people that they can’t have things. Which makes you have to stay ‘on message’ and smile falsely while people get upset at what you are saying. As you place this mask on your face you realise that if you leave it there too long it may never come off.

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* More meetings where people have ‘frank discussions’ that are like a goldfish swimming miserably around a bowl. Actually, just more bloody meetings. They all end up with the power structure of the company being used to break the inevitable deadlock.

* You know what will be expected of you at least 9 months in advance. Like you’re in one of Temple Grandin’s cattle machines.

* You’re required to write professionally about things which you know to be indescribable and intuitive. Like writing 70,000 words about ‘green’ or ‘fun’. This is simultaneously stupid and pretentious. Whenever your blather gets up to speed – you’re interrupted by another meeting.

* Death and Taxes.

* Your addictions, be they heroin or the App Store, become overt. You know that you really don’t need that second chicken for breakfast, that boxed set of Gilligan’s Island DVDs or another red smoking jacket with tassels. Actually it’s not being greedy, but being greedy while being annoyed with yourself for being greedy. The annoyance is the problem. And that you don’t really enjoy these things as much as you thought you would when you were poorer.

* No one is particularly interested to hear about any of this – in fact the closer people are to you, the more likely they just want to tell you about THEIR problems in an endless hysterical tirade. Which makes you realise that no one really wants to hear about YOUR problems and so you just don’t bother.

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That’s enough, let’s turn this into something useful. It requires a lot of luck to do what you want when you want. For every David Byrne touring around the planet making the same minor point for twenty minutes there’s a million others that could swap in without much notice – but they didn’t make it. Wrong room, wrong party. For every Apple or Hewlett Packard there’s a hundred garages in Palo Alto where the inventors ended up sipping from the exhaust pipe. Every break you get you should thank your preferred deity. Or that you weren’t delivered in some era where cupping & leeches were the remedy for everything. Or Angola.

Acknowledging that we’re really not that badly off there’s still some bad deal going down when bright happy and productive youth keep turning into grumpy middle managers. When young you think you’ll never be like that – somehow you’re going to get off the conveyor belt before the bucket at the end. That’s what my students probably think, that I am some kind of caution sign. YOU COULD END UP LIKE THIS.

It was apparently Rev. William Sloane Coffin that said “Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.” Coffin was a clergyman that upheld the socialist, tolerant, inclusive credo that ‘Christianity’ is supposed to denote. Champion of the draft dodgers, the gays, the poor. As well as concert pianist, CIA operative, member of the Skull and Bones with Bush Snr. Basically one of those people who could do any damn thing they chose and ended up doing their best by everyone. Coffin excelled at everything and feared no man.

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A few people like that makes up for a lot of what the other hippies have bequeathed our age – the contemporary idea that advertising is a fundamental human relationship.

So what do you do? Quit? Go join a commune and live off turnips? No, political and managerial power will only be held by heartless people if everyone with a heart refuses to engage with it. You will lose some heart but perhaps you will give some to others. And I guess that any prominence earns hatred, so you may as well be go ahead and make the hate worth it. But put a deadline on it, because creativity is just as valuable as politics.

A cut off point. I give this about a year, then I’m scheduling a mid life crisis, complete with motor bike. Sounds fair.

Linked In Updates

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Senior Lecturer Harlan Phelps is now Professor Harlan Phelps.

Jenny Taylor recommends Tim Aleston.

Sandra Miscargie now linked to Tom Jones, Ace Frehley, Francis Crick, Seymour Kety, Leonard Nimoy, Nova Peris Kneebone, Tori Amos, David Botstein, Leon Botstein.

Bubbles Vavoom is recommended by Ted Oleton. ‘Flexible service’.

Tom Ellard is void of inspiration.

Herbert Lyons is now Graphic Designer at Vital Signs Pty Ltd.

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Professor Harlan Phelps is now Uber Kommando Harlan Phelps.

Tim Aleston recommends Jenny Taylor.

Sandra Miscargie is now linked to Elof Axel Carlson, Spiderman, Jean de Grouchy, Mary Queen of Scots, Buffet Crampon, Dumbo The Elephant, Kaspar Hauser, Vivaldi, William Henry Grattan Flood, Charles Chaplin, Sterling Emerson, Sheila Scott Macintyre, Carl Almenräder, Tiny Tim.

Bubbles Vavoom is recommended by Nigel Hart. ‘Great experience’.

Tom Ellard is staring at a wall, mind empty.

Herbert Lyons is now Graphic Designer at Cyberdomain Sitecloud.

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Uber Kommando Harlan Phelps is now His Eternal Source of Light, King of Kings, Protector of The True Faith Harlan Phelps.

Jenny Taylor recommends Tim Aleston.

Sandra Miscargie is now linked to Martyn Bennett, John Burgess, Jori Chisholm, Jack Churchill, Michael Dalton, Lindsay Davidson, Jonathan Davis, Gordon Duncan, Margaret Dunn, Julie Fowlis, Harry Aubrey de Maclean, Pipe Major Donald MacLeod, MBE, Bill Millin, Fred Morrison, Eric Rigler, Mark Saul, Patrick Regan, Bon Scott, John Bottomley.

Bubbles Vavoom is recommended by Hamish Poulten. ‘Very Clean. Discreet.’

Tom Ellard is still waiting for a life purpose. Death will come sooner.

Herbert Lyons is now Graphic Designer at Grrrl Alternative Layout.

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His Enternal Source of Light, King of Kings, Protector of The True Faith Harlan Phelps is now known as ‘I Am’.

Tim Aleston recommends Jenny Taylor.

Sandra Miscargie is now linked to Viktor M. Afanasyev, Vladimir Aksyonov, Pavel Belyayev, Valery Bykovsky, Yuri Gagarin, Vincent T Grant, Yuri Gidzenko, Aleksandr Ivanchenkov, Oleg Kotov, Aleksei Leonov, Andriyan Nikolaye, Yuri Onufrienko, Valeri Rozhdestvensky, Vladimir Shatalov, Gherman Tito, Laika.

Bubbles Vavoom is recommended by Roger Pertwee. ‘Massive’.

Tom Ellard is no longer comforted by the random universe.

Herbert Lyons is now Graphic Designer at Top Shot Advertising.

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‘I Am’ is now transcending the bounds of reality.

Jenny Taylor is now called Jenny Aleston.

Sandra Miscargie is now linked to Katy Bødtger, Donovan, Grady Louis McMurtry, Godzilla, Uvular Fluttertonguing, Foreign Minister Yoriko Kawaguchi, Matthew Barney, The Yip Yips, Levi Kereama, My Pretty Pony, Klaus Kinski, Frank J. Fahrenkopf, Jr., Samuel Johnson, Ted Nelson, Harold Holt, Cornelius Ford, Margaret Tutwiler, King Edward VI, William Tavoulareas, Eugene Delbert Greene, Richard Brevard Russell, Republican Minority Leader Everett Dirksen, The Edge, Hardy Spicer, Nadia Micallef, Ksenia Sukhinova, Satan, Ouyang Yu, D.W. Griffith, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, Joseph Schmuckler, Captain William Bligh.

Bubbles Vavoom is recommended by ‘I Am’. ‘Well worth the spend’.

Tom Ellard is thinking that being asleep is better than being an artist.

Herbert Lyons is now Graphic Designer at Whammi! Concepts.

Friday is Dead God Day

I wish gods would get born or die more often because it means instant relaxation time. Jesus dies, Jesus gets born – day off work. Bring back the Greek gods and we would have much happier relaxed lives. Having said that, I realise it’s pagan, which suddenly makes me feel all wicca and emo. Dear God (pick one) haven’t we been busy inventing words over the last decade?

Well then here is an opportunity to talk garbage for a while. Dweeb garbage what’s more. You see I am having a Maddox moment – I am typing this on a machine running Vista SP1, and feeling like an ubermensch.

Surely this is not possible. After all, every week in The Register we read mail such as:

wankerI am the systems manager at large company and I tried installing Vista. It was impossible. Soap suds came spilling over the rim of the machine and every animal within exactly 4.5 metres died of radiation poisoning! Vista is sucks! It made my supercomputer slower than a C64! I am installing Ubuntu and making a joke with the word Micro$haft in it. With Ubuntu I know that my penis will be much longer. And so on.

Which leads me to suspect that systems managers aren’t what they used to be.

Actually that leads nicely into the whole topic of blog comments. Now you of course are a sensible intelligent individual, full of cooperative spirit and common sense wisdom. I suspect that you have sometimes thought of leaving a comment and then reading those that came before, decided not to besmirch yourself with their company. I’ve been trying to decide which site has the most retarded comments, but it’s quite a contest. YouTube of course is a leader in exclamation marks, but you’d expect that from anything youth, which is the euphemism these days for pig ignorant.

No, you need the extra offensiveness of people who think that they are very wise, while being… what are we allowed to call it… universe challenged. They need to be naked apart from a top hat. For a while I thought that Engadget was a winner – we can argue about preferred mobile phone forever. But I’ve been following the comments on The Register for a while and really feel that it offers up one of the lowest forms of human life: the opinionated, stupid, British computer expert.

You can predict this is going to fold into one of my pet hates – it does. I’m on about the comments whenever there is a story about pirating music or DRM.

wankerI never pay for any music and never will. All musicians are rich anyway. When labels try to protect themselves it’s an invasion of my civil rights. I downloaded all the albums by my favourite artist and made sure to upload them everywhere. That’s cause I am a fan! Artists should sell T Shirts at gigs and make their money that way. I spend 4 hours a day tagging my FLAC collection and then masturbate. And so on.

For God’s sake, is there no dignity in thieving any more? Come out and say – I am a thief. I dare you. You might even get laid.

Let’s find something useful to say now – in honour of these Robin Hoods I am placing a lot of my old albums up on archive.org, this will take time as their file management is a bit esoteric. I can’t supply those albums which are currently licensed – but there will still be quite a bit of listening. If you like an album, consider ordering a disc. There, I begged. Good musician, roll over, play dead.