Secrets of the 1%

I’m sorry I’m blogging so much. University break. It’ll stop soon.

Frickin’ LinkedIn. You had enough? It’s like a sad FaceBook for middle managers. Everybody links in and then avoid each other not wanting to seem too eager – at least on FaceBook you can try get laid.

The worst thing is the FIVE BULLSHIT MOTIVATIONAL ARTICLES YOU HAVE TO READ THIS WEEK that they mail to you. How do I get off that thing?

The one a week or so ago about how early CEOs got up in the morning. That one.

Slime P’orridge is CEO of Venture Capital Death Ray Corporation and gets up at 2am every morning. ‘I like to lie on the floor of my stone cave for a few hours before lashing myself with a leather whip and chanting FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION YOU DIRTY WHORE. Then I have breakfast of steel wool before hitting the office to get sacking staff bright and early.

Seriously, when they start using what time you get up in the morning as a measure of your business acumen we’re screwed.

Then I just got sent this prick.Who the hell is this fountain of sad cliches? A Marketing Guru? Oh right, marketing. This is exactly the kind of person who knows all about employment across all possible realms of endeavor. ‘Stop what you’re doing there – listen to me – I’m a MARKETING GURU. The way we do business is changing fast. You should try be better at your job. Thank you, please buy one of my 13 books’.

The ex vice president of direct! marketing! at! Yahoo! is telling us how to be successful. Sorry we can’t all try sell our failing company to Microsoft and then screw even that up. Can you find the tiniest bit of actual meat in the fluff this guy is woofing?

10 Questions That Create Success. What a sleazy title. I have questions in life; why me? who ate my chocolate? when is the next pay day? why the hell does it keep crashing? why is there no hot water? I ask these things without pretending that I’m somehow CREATING SUCCESS. This guy, he takes the sort of mottoes that hippies sew on their duffel bags and says, ‘Ask them at the end of each day and I absolutely guarantee that you’ll become more successful.’

My favourite: 10. Have I felt grateful for the incredible gift of being alive?

I’m just pausing a moment to let that wash over me. Hmmmmm. Nope, sorry, no success bulging out. (Mind you I wonder how many people are ungrateful for the wonderful gift of being dead?)

This guy. As Speedy Gonzales would say I like this guy, he’s crazy. This tenured academic knows an awful lot about Artificial Intelligence, but Dear Lord – not much about trying to sell stuff over the Internet.

One of Udacity’s first offerings will be a seven-week course called “Building a Search Engine.” … He hopes 500,000 students will enroll.

Week one, the course video will be pirated and uploaded on YouTube by SexyBoy23. No one will pay. Week twelve, no income has been made and staff are being laid off. Week 50, our man is trying desperately to get his tenure back. Why do academics ever think they know anything about the real world?