Students of the known world! It is is we, again! Did you miss us? Surely we did miss you and your enquiries! The Faculty of Recall is alive and prospering, although in changed circumstances.

Surely you would know we have a new way of government, with the ascent of His Royal Highness The Blessed Santa XIII, The Good, The Fair, The Wise. How lucky we are to have this paragon of mankind at our helm and you will not hear a disputing voice in all the rafts that remain afloat. Of course HRHTB Santa XIII has no qualm with dissent, but such disorder leads to errors in nature itself and the spontaneous capsizing of those that would speak such madness.

One that spoke in such terms was our previous Dean, who took it upon himself to denounce Our King’s leisurely book burnings. What are a few ancient books when compared to the merriment of our liege? That the Dean ended up with the books is only natural. For a short while we fell disgraced, until our new Dean spoke to the King, reminding him of his lineage running all the way back to the Santas of antiquity. Who else but the Faculty could establish once and for all His Highness as the one true world king? From that day we became the Royal Faculty of Recall, something that UNP Engineering can only sourly admire.

So your loyal correspondent has a task of some importance, tracking down the great kings of the past and ensuring that all reigns lead to Santa XIII.

So what was a king in the pre oops period? It seems there once were many kings, all with quite exotic and magical names. There was King Tubby, who could explode and not be hurt. King Jeans was very strong, King Kong was very tall. The Sofa King could sleep 100 years and the White King seems to have something to do with bathrooms. The modern reader is dazzled by so many and suspects that tales are being told as they often were by the ancients. That’s not to say they are lying – the ancient mind is just an alien world for the modern to explore.

One interesting theory put forward by Prof. Mersh is that each queue had a king at the front. That would make the numbers, but doesn’t explain another story about kings, that they lived in castles that did not move about, and so it is equally likely that a king was someone not in a queue at all. (For ancients a very rare position!) Dr. Robutussin has pointed out that ‘castles’ follow straight lines in the game of chess and suggests this is based on some forgotten fact. For my part I have seen evidence of things called rail tracks, which are straight lines running across the old cities. I will soon be presenting a paper that argues that castles moved along these rail tracks, each controlled by a king and that this is how queues were able to move great distances.

But my main interest of the moment is King Krause, sometimes written Kai Krause, who lived in a castle hidden somewhere in Germany. He became King (the story goes) by inventing certain magical technology.

As with most images of the ancients, we are left puzzled by their position somewhere ‘twixt reality and speculative magic. What to make of this?

Robutussin has argued that kings were able to make animals out of surplus people and there is quite solid support for this in the archaeological record. That would mean they were the suppliers of flying animals to each Santa and had a symbiotic relationship with the ultimate ruler.

Krause alone is credited with (at least) the following incantations:

The Lens Flare bedazzled enemies and caused them disorientation and nausea. This weapon soon multiplied into genocidal proportions and was banned by treaty shortly before the Oops Event.

Drop Shadows seen here surrounding magical orbs. Quite what these symbols mean is curious, but the two seem inextricably bound together. We suspect a kind of code where the king alone may see through the confusing muddle.

Similarly the Page Curl, which fools the viewer to turn over the image and find nothing on the other side.

The Algorithmic Texture is hotly contested. Some have it as a form of camouflage, yet are unable to demonstrate any naturally occurring area where that would be effective. I would concur with Mersh that what we are seeing is a kind of threat exhibited to the enemy – if you do not accept the king, this is a symbol of your fate. Hence the resemblance to diseases and parasites.

More magical orbs. We can fathom no use for these.

Santa XIII is very taken with this information and an expedition will venture south in the winter. We seek a castle somewhere in the land just below our state. From there we hope to find the means to convert some of our crew to animals, and set course by air for Germany. If you are in your final undergraduate year at UNP Recall we are seeking volunteers via the drop box outside the school office.