What’s so great about cinema anyway?

Seriously.

Films are the same every time you play them. Nothing improves on the second viewing –  just the same scenes, same people, same stupid race through plot points. And 99 percent of the time it’s the same plot anyway. Meet some lunkhead. Oh no, don’t do that, you will get in trouble! Lunkhead does it anyway and sure enough everything is a big mess. Female lunkhead comes along she is too smart for him but they’re in bed soon enough, maybe you will get to see her backside. They are running away from evil guy but hah hah he has them now! Oh no! Bad guy forgot something and is defeated. Hooray for lunkheads they will never do stupid thing again – unless there’s a sequel.

Either (A) like me you really don’t care about the lunkhead and the movie is a pointless roller coaster of indifference or (B) you manage to care and the endless stupidity of the hero reversed only by the unbelievable fault of the bad guy is going to disappoint you again and again. You already know what is going to happen in a film, so why bother watching?

Don’t give me that crap about the ‘Hero’s Journey’. They’re not a hero, they’re a bumbling idiot to have done exactly the transgression that lead to the whole debacle. If you knew someone like that in real life you’d leave the answering machine on to vet your calls. So why would you pay money to be wedged into a chair in the dark for hours watching the same creep? Because it’s cinema! You get to see some oaf in action from multiple camera angles.

Film is just photography with moving bits. There’s really no need for all this movement, can’t you imagine it in your head?. I mean I thought La Jette has made that point. Do you really need a book to have the words move around the page? It’s ridiculous. Why can’t we just dawdle on an image for as long as we like? We’ve had art galleries for years – and we haven’t needed some Director in a golf buggy driving us past the paintings at the speed he feels is ‘cinematic’. No, the whole time they have to hurry us along in case we notice the badly painted backdrops.

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And why do games now have to be ‘filmic?’ It ruins them – all scenery and cut scenes – no game. ‘Hello I am your sidekick would you be so kind blah blah blah – oh no I am really the villain it is a plot twist!’ Pac Man did well enough without exposition every five minutes. Can you imagine if you had to wade through a back story for Inky The Ghost?

And music that is ‘cinematic’? Code word for reverberated wash.

The whole notion of film is poison for all the other arts. It’s got to stop before all the REAL forms get dragged down to its level!

I denounce cinema.

Films need to be scenes you can pause or play backwards or forwards in any order and be just as entertained. And lots of special effects instead of character development because I don’t really care about these people I just want to see crazy shit I don’t get sitting at my office desk. Film music should have no relationship with what’s on screen and should never be long drawn out strings and horn sections that try to ’emote’. If there’s dialogue then it should just be witty banter that has no meaning.

Basically like all Peter Greenaway films.

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This is my solution for the Australian Film Industry. No one watches Australian films because they are like textbooks of film theory. If I was king of Screen Australia I only fund films that were bizarre collisions of vibrant meaninglessness, especially films that led to fist fights in cinemas. I have no doubt – no seriously – no doubt that MORE people would go watch an Australian film if you left the theatre with a black eye and no idea of what you just experienced.

DOWN WITH PLOT POINTS!

DOWN WITH SCRIPTS!

DOWN WITH MOTIVATED CAMERA WORK!

MORE EXPLOSIONS MORE BEANS!