Oh no! Boring social sciences conference coming up!
You need a flask of hooch. Let’s play!
JUST WARMING UP
- There are more speakers on stage than people in the audience. SIP.
- Speaker from university executive makes big show of acknowledging indigenous land ownership – but doesn’t suggest giving any land back. SWIG.
- Guest can’t be here –
– has an exhibition in Venice. NO POINTS
– attending a games conference in Barcelona. NO POINTS
– running a film festival in Shanghai. NO POINTS
– in prison in Adelaide SKULL!
- They will instead speak via Skype. SWIG!
TECHNOLOGY IS FOR WRITING ABOUT
- Person on Skype is overwhelmed by uncontrollable feedback loop through PA. SWIG!
- Guest has brought a DVD burned by their students that they didn’t test before the conference. Wastes ten minutes trying to play it. NIP.
- What is this thing called microphone? SIP.
- Step through their PowerPoint in design mode, every second slide is [Type Text Here]. SIP.
- DESIGNED IN CALIFORNIA PRIZE: Guest denounces working conditions in China, while presenting on a Mac laptop. NIP.
- Speaker is expert in every aspect of media production except how to do it. SWIG!
- Uses scientific terms in vague, almost surreal babble. NIP. Including ‘quantum physics’ = ‘any magical shit’. SWIG!
NAME DROP MAD MINUTES
To win Mad Minutes the speaker has to state the bleeding obvious followed by a spectacular name drop. Examples:
- ‘Ideas change over time. As Foucault noted…’ NIP!
- ‘Film can seem like real life. As discerned by Deleuze…’ NIP!
- ‘People can see things in different ways. Derrida …’ NIP!
- OLDE SCHOOL BONUS PRIZE ‘Rich people are less numerous than poor people. Marx says…’ SWIG!
- Bonus 2x ‘Bruno Latour Multiplier’ for attacking ‘hard science’ while unashamedly aping it with ‘disciplines’, ‘research outcomes’ etc. DOUBLE SHOTS REST OF SPEECH.
MARTIN DENNY TIKI LOUNGE
- Speaker tediously details their completely indifferent research conducted in some exotic place. ‘So I have Eskimos fold paper into paper air-planes blah blah’. NIP. Double nip if they thank some death ray corporation that paid the air fare.
- Research exploits ‘youth culture’. NIP. Research involves ‘online social networking’. NIP. Speaker evokes ‘the cloud’. SWIG!
- Complex analysis of artworks that comes down to racism/sexism. ‘What would be a misspelling of PINEPAPLE by anyone else is an auto-empowerment of this coloured woman’. SIP.
- Famous, strongly accented foreign presenter speaks for an hour without anyone understanding a single word they say, but nodding furiously to show that they are hip to the message. FINISH THE BOTTLE.
I’M AS MAD AS HELL AND I’LL TAKE SOME MORE
- Government funded academic denounces governmentality. SPIT AND WAVE BOTTLE.
- Denounces America in their PowerPoint presentation, wearing blue jeans. SPIT AND THROW BOTTLE.
- Speaker has body language crossed between Fidel Castro and an angry four year old. NIP. They also wear lots of metal bangles that hit the microphone. SWIG!
- Social worker haircut. (The proper social worker haircut must look like it was fashionable when the speaker was 20, but has now become an ill formed, over dyed and lopsided memory of the original). SWIG until the haircut looks OK.
ART OF THE DAMNED
- Inscrutable chart like an underground rail system in Hell makes subject less clear than it already is. NIP.
- Venn Diagram with completely inane legend. E.g. ‘Twitter’ intersecting with ‘Toilet Training’. NIP.
- The speaker is shown shaking hands with smiling foreign people. NIP.
- Speaker is also shown wearing a pith helmet. SKULL!
- I have no idea what that is, seriously. NIP.
- Notes are in the original Mandarin. NIP.
- You’re drunk enough that you can seem to read them. HAVE SOME MORE.
- Speaker goes over time. NIP. Every speaker goes over time. SWIG for each minute over time.
- There’s drinks after! Way to go!