Be careful what you wish for

Today I started furnishing six new bulletin board systems for KUNST KAMP, based on Omnium, the KAMP’s didactic BBS. (Furnishing because the nice folk at Omnium did the real lifting). While not perfect, Omnium includes many of the facilities that were ardently desired by the people on the old sevcom Twister system. While it is a BBS with threads and forums, everybody has their own portfolio ‘pin up wall’ where they can show off their art, they can move that art into communal gallery spaces, set up versions that multiple people co-author and so on. The system allows team enclaves, such that small work groups can shut themselves off from the world, KDX style, while leaving the main areas open to the public. So here it is, the system that was needed for the ‘next move forward’. And designed by people who had no overlap with our little experiment, which just goes to show that the technical problems we saw back then were universally recognised.

The cavalry arrives only to find the settlers all dead. Too late.

Not as in too late to save that experiment. Too late as in the experiment went way beyond the goal of the perfect container and became a psychology experiment. Trap some children on an island and you get Lord Of The Flies. No amount of technology was going to save that monster, because it had decided to be a monster and it didn’t want saving.

This leaves mixed feelings. On the surface, I get to continue the experiment with a new system, a new audience. Hundreds of students spread over six BBS systems, a WordPress mu system (thanks CSU!) and a new video storage system that (may it please Data God) will switch on around March 4th (thanks UNSWTV!). And because they are students there is clear reason for having it and clear authority for moderators. If you were reading the history of this you might think, hey Twister became OSMA, nice crossfade. In reality I have extremely ambivalent feelings about the entire notion of online communities.

ozmaofoz

No, not Ozma, OSMA

Stewart L said it the other night, over a beer. Whenever he sees ‘community’ on a web site he just thinks ‘uh oh’. We agreed that there was something terribly empty in the promise of ‘online community’ but couldn’t finger just what is needed. When explaining the advantages to my workmates I can find many positives. But that doesn’t reassure my doubts.

Right now is all the panic of trying to organise and document a moving structure – three disparate systems that must work together as one tool. Then come the pleading and coercion to get students to start typing. If and when the momentum comes, the probing of … what? How big an island you need for Hunt The Pig? Hell they do that on Facebook.

Actually this a long winded way of saying that this blog might slow down for the weeks where I am trying to forge this behemouth.

And also I am distracted learning the most beautiful programming language in the world. I hate program languages like ActionScript because they are inhumane. They try to make me into a machine. Machines should be machines. But look at this example from the manual. This is the actual code:

“The Hypnotist of Blois”

A person is either hypnotized or alert. A person is usually alert.

Persuasion rule for asking a hypnotized person to try doing something:
persuasion succeeds.

Understand “hypnotize [someone]” as hypnotizing.

Hypnotizing is an action applying to one thing.

Check hypnotizing:
if the noun is hypnotized, say “Already done.” instead.

Carry out hypnotizing:
now the noun is hypnotized.

Report hypnotizing:
say “[The noun] slips under your control.”

Instead of waking someone hypnotized:
now the noun is alert;
say “[The noun] returns abruptly to consciousness.”

Check someone hypnotizing someone:
stop the action.

Maison de la Magie is a room. “In a darkened room, a few hundreds of paces from the chateau of Blois, you give to tourists three shows a day: displaying to them power they do not comprehend and spectacles they do not deserve.”

A volunteer is a woman in the Maison. “A volunteer from the audience stands facing you, [if alert]skeptically awaiting hypnosis[otherwise]her face worshipful and obedient[end if].” The printed name of the volunteer is “volunteer from the audience”. The description is “A distracted, susceptible woman.” The volunteer wears a t-shirt and a baseball hat.

The player wears a top hat and a cape.

The language is Inform 7. I am in love.

How to write Chick-Lit

Hey cats! How’s it swinging? This is Astronaut Vincent T Grant orbiting back into your space face for another How To. Truth is, I never expected to be back with you so fast but the main guy here is not in a thriving way. So we were doing tequila shots around the back of his work and he reached the worm first. I was like, ‘son, not on the job, that’s no class’. But I guess him being an academic and all he just chomped it down fast. An hour later he’s got some wild ideas going. ‘I AM THE SANTA‘ he says. So do I get a present?

Nope he says I have to write about Chick-Lit.

(I was going to write about how to make a rock opera. The second wife and I once went to see a show called HAIR. Years later the third lady and I saw one called CATS. I said at the time I should write a show called CAT HAIR and it’d be twice as good.)

Now you are going to say, Vincent, what would an old man like you know about writing ironic self debasing novels for young women? Well you see it’s like a chair you bought from IKEA. You get a bunch of struts and some Allen keys to assemble the chair and the instructions are written in gooby gooby with some pictures. Believe you me, a space mission is just like that except you are floating upside down. There ain’t no man in the agency better than me at piecing together a robot arm and this is no different.

So let’s open the box and make sure we have all the parts.

PART A is the fat ugly girl. She’s not really that fat or ugly but she has to be kinda dowdy and drink a lot of fruity vodka for this thing to work. That connects to PART B which is the cute guy who was burned in a previous relationship and is now cynical. You need to use ROD A which is their sibling like relationship which conceals the real attraction that PART A is hiding for B. PART C is the bitchy boss woman which goes up above PART A and connects via ROD B which is the exploitative employment contract. Got that?

OK now you need the large ROD C which is an impending marriage between PART B and PART C which everybody knows is a real disaster waiting to happen. This needs a nut at either end. PART A should at this point hang helplessly below the the other two, and the structure should seem pretty stable.  Here’s the turning point: We have to bend it a bit to accommodate PART D, which depending whether you have purchased model 34 or 56 is either PART A’s hairdresser BFF or a comedy gay guy. Either way the trick is to have PART D leverage PART A into taking the weight off ROD A and passing their combined weight onto STRUT D that makes a new connection with PART B that counteracts ROD C.

If you do this just right PART A can be seen at an angle where she suddenly doesn’t seem nearly as fat, ROD C breaks off, PART C flies off out the window and ROD B swings around to elevate PART A up to where the bitch was. You now have a nice join between PARTs A and B on two levels. PART D cries and claps its hands like an idiot.

You do that on a space walk.

Now I want to get back to my idea for a Rock Opera.

Some people might think the plot or the music is the most important thing. They would have not seen CATS. It didn’t have a plot and the music was appropriate for a lot of people dressed up as animals being sexy on each other. I would do something which was more classy. And this starts with the right costumes.

31841

You would enjoy this guy singing.

This is opera, like in Bugs Bunny. I go for the ‘olde tyme’ costumes myself. I want them to have powdered wigs like in real operas. And horned helmets. We need a mechanical dragon. Two dragons.

Now you’re saying Vincent, this frock coat and powdered wig thing is for Mozart or something. But I don’t think so. I think the kids like a show and wigs have been keeping people entertained a long time. Maybe some parents will come along, more money for me. No matter what age, people like a classy act.

kiss

Wigs and frock coats are always class.

Maybe I could glue some horns onto my helmet. Just saying.

Dinner bell’s ringing, gotta go. But listen, you and me make this opera happen next time!

- Vincent

Survey: Music Industry Perceptions 09

This study was conducted by the Centre for Contemporary Cultural Exchange on behalf of PayPal, Rapidshare, Google and The Pirate Bay. All rights reserved. Pirate Bay et al. reserves the right to prosecute for unauthorised reproduction of the data hereunder.

I enjoy listening to music.
Agree Strongly 88% Agree 9% Disagree 1% Don’t Know 2%

Music is important, it improves my life.
Agree Strongly 80% Agree 10% Disagree 8% Don’t Know 2%

So I’m prepared to pay for music.
Agree Strongly 8% Agree 20% Disagree 80% Don’t Know 2%

No, I get my music from illegal downloads.
Agree Strongly 72% Agree 9% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 9%

All musicians are rich lazy arseholes anyway so they deserve nowt.
Agree Strongly 88% Agree 10% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 2%

Musicians enjoy their work, so they don’t need my money.
Agree Strongly 88% Agree 8% Disagree 4% Don’t Know 2%

In general, people who enjoy work should do it for free.
Agree Strongly 78% Agree 10% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 2%

Including myself.
Agree Strongly 0% Agree 0% Disagree 100% Don’t Know 0%

Musicians should live off T Shirts sales at gigs.
Agree Strongly 90% Agree 8% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 2%

Dentists should live off T Shirt sales at surgery.
Agree Strongly 2% Agree 10% Disagree 78% Don’t Know 0%

If a dentist was also a musician then I’d buy his T Shirt.
Agree Strongly 0% Agree 0% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 100%

It’s black with a bitchin’ evil winged tooth on it.
Agree Strongly 2% Agree 40% Disagree 40% Don’t Know 18%

All the money goes to rip-off record labels. I don’t want them to get my money.
Agree Strongly 87% Agree 4% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 9%

Whereas Rapidshare is a reputable business.
Agree Strongly 80% Agree 2% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 18%

Albums suck these days, there’s only 1-2 good tracks on them.
Why pay for that shit?

Agree Strongly 82% Agree 10% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 8%

I download the whole album anyway, might grow on me.
Agree Strongly 100% Agree 0% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 0%

Besides, I just got a huge hard drive for music and porn.
Agree Strongly 65% Agree 12% Disagree 13% Don’t Know 10%

Sharing is the future.
Agree Strongly 0% Agree 0% Disagree 78% Don’t Know 22%

(Let us rephrase that) Sharing other people’s stuff is the future.
Agree Strongly 90% Agree 10% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 0%

I secretly wish I was a musician.
Agree Strongly 0% Agree 0% Disagree 100% Don’t Know 0%

(The survey is completely anonymous. Trust us.)
Agree Strongly 50% Agree 30% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 20%

There was that person at school that really sucked but just because they became a musician they were really popular and they didn’t deserve it and I hate them. I hate them.
Agree Strongly 100% Agree 0% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 0%

I have a real job, I don’t just ponce around on a guitar all day, lah dee dah.
Agree Strongly 78% Agree 3% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 19%

I hate my job.
Agree Strongly 90% Agree 0% Disagree 0% Don’t Know 10%

Sample Culture

I missed a chance to hate something. That sucks. Now I have to try catch up.

I quit reading Adbusters when it stopped being a spray can and started to apologise for advertising. Adbusters dropped its guts, became something that we used to put in the waiting room at the ad agency. Oh how ironic. They still think they are culture jamming, the liars.

Anyway, got an infrequent gig where I have to teach VJ and sample culture at the Australian Film Television Radio School. This is as good as gigging Fruity Loops on laptops at the Conservatorium of Music a few years ago. Wearing a suit. Which I did. The AFTRS gig  has the potential to offend somebody somewhere so I IMMEDIATELY SAID YES.

Problem then is that I have to teach sample culture, which has the potential to suck badly, as 90 percent of sample culture is thieving neo hippy bullshit. But I think I have a good angle worked out that involves Eisenstein’s montage, Freud’s dream work, Jung’s collective unconscious, inkblots, memes, power politics and a few other things that young minds need for nourishment. It also involves culture jamming, so I peeked at Adbusters.

Where I saw this entertaining article.

This is curious, because there was once a time when I would have detected the stench of an incoming plague well in advance. Did I not say that techno was the music they would use to march us into World War Three? I did. Did I not lament the replacement of lyrics with fascist imperatives to Get Up, Get Down, Roll Over and Beg like a little dog? I did and was shunned since that time. Did I not identify Mandlebrots as psychedelic bird shit? Did I not pinpoint Nirvana as the day the music industry lost its nerve and retreated 20 years? And NIN as the Wal*Mart of Industrial? I claim the right to be called curmudgeon. Curmudgeon, C’est Moi.

I am old. I missed this one. Or did I?

Your Honours: In my defence I’d noticed the bits but missed the totality. Yes, there is a shop up the road where the youngsters queue for bread. Then sit outside on milk crates, before driving off in daddy’s Porsche. Yes, everybody is collecting cassettes and paperbacks again, they are so ironic. They have thick rimmed glasses with no glass in them. All of that. It’s just that, like Douglas Haddow says, it’s not much of a movement. Christ, it’s not even funny.

It’s midnight right now: outside my window the kids are piling out of the local hipster pub. They’re ironically singing Ian Dury’s Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick (from 1978) and somebody is ironically blowing a clown horn on their ironic hipster bicycle in time with the chant. There’s been times when I wished I was young again but this isn’t one of them.

This is serious. Your Honours, where did we go wrong? Did we deconstruct our culture so much that our children have nothing left to tear up? Has post modernism led to post childhood? Admit it. I feel like joining the Catholic church and blowing up a few laundromats just to create a bit of senseless beauty. Why don’t they?

But Your Honours, perhaps this is a furphy. Usually it’s the people in the movement that set the language and it spills out. This sounds like the ‘hipster’ tag has come from outside and is an attempt to encapsulate a random collection of nothing in particular. It’s people like Adbusters that desperately need to sum something up, and voila we have a movement. Christ, there was a band in the 70′s called the Native Hipsters and they were using the term for mocking 30 years ago.

Maybe we should stop mocking their complete lack of taste (not bad taste, lack of taste) in music, and start to praise their exquisiste taste in Facebook updates?

I’m lost.