Hello readers of blog. I know you exist because the machinery tells me that people arrive here, perhaps looking for a limousine. Perhaps because feminism informs their research. Perhaps for a cheeky old door shutter. They arrive and curse their bad luck and move on. We are myriad Ellard, and I am the worst of them.

Imagine, if you will, that you are walking down the street and see somebody that looks a lot like you. No really, the resemblance is striking and disturbing apart from the fact that your doppelganger looks like he or she threw up over themselves. And pooped their pants. What little pants they have.

Later you meet a friend who tells you that you look a lot better than when they saw you yesterday. No, you say, that’s not me, just somebody who looks like me except they pooped etc. etc. But your friend and others don’t believe you – they think you’re a sly pooper. Infuriating! You’d really like to get that fake and give it a shake!

And that’s how I feel when yet another MySpace page shows up for my poor old dead band. It looks like it pooped itself. And there are ‘friends’ there. (No link to here of course, that’d give the game away.) Of course these aren’t really my friends and they don’t really want to do anything but advertise their own emo myspace pages. But like Mike Jones once said – you had better get rid of that if you don’t want people to think you are utterly sopping clueless.

You cannot kill that which does not live. If I went through the same battle I did last time I found one of these quivering fetid lumps of juvenalia, I’d probably win just in time for another mindless goth to think (oh wow how post punk!) of starting a new one. Serpent’s teeth these MySpaces.

Should I be flattered? If imitation is sincere flattery then I’m sincerely ugly. Man.

When I go to Last FM it notifies me I can ‘take over’ the Severed Heads group. Finger poises over the button. No, it’s got to go out in the world and find its own brains to eat. Let it wander around until it gets shot. I’ll just have to take care to wear a hat with I AM THE REAL ONE written on it. Me and all the others.