Zombies

Hello readers of blog. I know you exist because the machinery tells me that people arrive here, perhaps looking for a limousine. Perhaps because feminism informs their research. Perhaps for a cheeky old door shutter. They arrive and curse their bad luck and move on. We are myriad Ellard, and I am the worst of them.

Imagine, if you will, that you are walking down the street and see somebody that looks a lot like you. No really, the resemblance is striking and disturbing apart from the fact that your doppelganger looks like he or she threw up over themselves. And pooped their pants. What little pants they have.

Later you meet a friend who tells you that you look a lot better than when they saw you yesterday. No, you say, that’s not me, just somebody who looks like me except they pooped etc. etc. But your friend and others don’t believe you – they think you’re a sly pooper. Infuriating! You’d really like to get that fake and give it a shake!

And that’s how I feel when yet another MySpace page shows up for my poor old dead band. It looks like it pooped itself. And there are ‘friends’ there. (No link to here of course, that’d give the game away.) Of course these aren’t really my friends and they don’t really want to do anything but advertise their own emo myspace pages. But like Mike Jones once said – you had better get rid of that if you don’t want people to think you are utterly sopping clueless.

You cannot kill that which does not live. If I went through the same battle I did last time I found one of these quivering fetid lumps of juvenalia, I’d probably win just in time for another mindless goth to think (oh wow how post punk!) of starting a new one. Serpent’s teeth these MySpaces.

Should I be flattered? If imitation is sincere flattery then I’m sincerely ugly. Man.

When I go to Last FM it notifies me I can ‘take over’ the Severed Heads group. Finger poises over the button. No, it’s got to go out in the world and find its own brains to eat. Let it wander around until it gets shot. I’ll just have to take care to wear a hat with I AM THE REAL ONE written on it. Me and all the others.

Do…?

Do journalists abuse questions? Do they make every article title some form of rhetorical question? Do they do this to create a ‘straw man’ to write about? Is this in fact a tactic to create news where there is no actual information? Do they then load the article with more questions thereby creating the illusion of enquiry? Do we thus end up with an innuendo that is difficult for their subjects to answer? Is this an example of the old ‘have you stopped beating your wife’ attack?

Is Time and their online version particularly addicted to this form of writing? Do they load up their magazine with articles such as, Can Obama Overcome Cauliflower? Does TV Cause Penile Distemper? When Will America Eat Dinner?

Have we created a system which rather than expanding to meet the needs of information, vainly attempts to manufacture enough to fit the obese ‘blogosphere’? Will this overextension of information lead to a crash like the ‘economic meltdown’? Would news be valueless? Has that already occured, when celebrity gossip occupies the majority of every news service? Are you getting a headache from the constant questions? Is that headache a symptom of a lack of content or a oversupply of container?

IS THE MYTH OF “THE LONG TAIL” FINALLY DEAD, LEAVING “THE NEW ECONOMY” REVEALED AS THE WORLD’S LARGEST PYRAMID SELLING SCHEME ?

Fish Pie

Antithesis3D regret that we will no longer be offering our real time 3D software on which you have just spent a tidy sum. This page provides answers to Frequently Asked Questions about these changes.

Q: You Bastards!

A: All the team at Antithesis were in fact born to married parents except Jimbo the CEO.

Q: You mean yet again I have spent hundreds of dollars on 3D software only for you to shut shop the moment my credit card gets the hit? Come on, what is it with online 3D?

A: Antithesis3D regrets failing to make a buck out of online 3D. We make no claim regarding your dealings with the next bunch of losers.

Q: You could have warned me…

A: We are not your Mum. We are a seller of 3D technology. Were.

Q: What happens now?

A: We have licensed our technology to the site www.giantvirtualjugalloos.co.be where we are sure you will find items of interest. Me, I’m starting a pie shop. All our current customers will receive a free fish pie by mail as a special thanks. I think Jimbo is getting some kittens and

Q: I don’t want a fish pie I want my money back.

A: It comes with home made white sauce.

Q: By the time it makes it to Australia that won’t be the only thing it comes with.

A: How about a kitten?

Q: No.

A: Three kittens in a basket, white fluffy, with little bows and they are all cuddly wuddly.

Q: Look, every damn time I buy this kind of software the company ends up selling it to some other company that cans the whole project and sacks the people that made it. Then some other lot starts up with their Web2.0 take on VRML and waits ’til I pay the license fee and then they shut shop and it goes on and

A: Last offer. Six Kittens and a 10 Euro voucher at Giant Virtual Juggalloos.

Q: and the fish pie frozen.

A: Done.

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Music Class 3: I am sitting in a head

Vocals are, as you have become used to me saying, made up of multiple sounds. Look at a head.

Here are a set of cavities. The throat, the mouth, the nasal cavity etc. Each has a size which resonates at a certain pitch and they are joined up in sequence. If you are Barry White your big cavities are resonating low, and if you are me, not so much. As Barry sings, he creates a fixed note cluster that colours the notes he sings, which is the formant. If you are Warren Burt or Diamanda Galas you have learned how to produce two notes at once by independently resonating your nasal cavity. Others may have perfected borbarigmus, I hide their secret here.

The tone of your voice stays much the same no matter what note you sing (although different volumes and stresses accent different cavities). Pitch shifting the voice up and down unnaturally shifts this tone such that you get the familiar ‘giant’ and ‘chipmunk’ side effects. Modern samplers and Pro Tool’s pitch shifter offer a formant adjustment that compensates for this, keeping the cavity sizes constant when shifting the pitch. Also you may impose an artificial formant on a voice to create a larger or smaller vocal apparatus – the basis of voice changer software.

Recording in a room captures not only the sounds you’re after but the tone of the room, the resonance of the room itself. Which is is why when you come back and redub dialogue into a film work it may be  unconvincing – just as reshooting under a different temperature of light will look wrong, recording in a studio won’t match up with the live sound. You need to always capture a little ‘air’ from your location to cover the rerecorded sections and very likely will have to EQ the ADR voice to try match the tone of the room. Very often once you’ve identified the room’s pitch you can create a peak (increased volume closely around a certain frequency) in the EQ that is similar – although notches (decreased volume) have sometimes worked better for me, and often as comb filters – it depends on the nodes in the room – more later.

Musicians should be aware of the resonance of the room when finding the best place to record an instrument – singing in the shower – or like Joy Division, recording the drums on the roof. Flat acoustics are not always the best.

3D animators (only those poor souls that have to do their own sound design) need to think of the rendering of sound as much as the vision. I ask my 3D kunstlers to use a fixed flanger (which is a kind of comb) on all the foley in their space epics to create the metal walls and floor we’re seeing on screen. Done right, the reality is much more powerful.

There are holes in the head for the gas to get out – cake hole and two nose holes (ears don’t count). They add more upper ‘air’ to the sound as the breath collides with tounge and teeth and lips. One is able to sing more through the nose or mouth. You can even sing with both closed. Try blocking each and listen to the ‘submixes’ of your voice. (Please remember to unblock nose and mouth when finished).

When we sing louder the formant shifts slightly and we add more or less noise into our mix. One popular trick especially with female singers is to add a little white noise into their vocals, expanded by the amplitude of the voice. This breathy voice sounds more passionate and intimate – as if close mic’ed but without the bass shift that brings. Compressing the voice can also be used to apparently shift the emphasis and was a major part of being a Beatle.

Recording dialogue in a room is therefore quite tricky – resonances everywhere, microphone placements causing filtration etc. It’s suprising how often people get decent results, but they do. Getting beyond that takes years of listening and experimentation. As an engineer you have to think like a director of photography, but instead of seeing light and layout, you have to hear the tone of the space, the sounds from outside the space and the way the voices reflect off the surfaces. And more.

Go to the space, close your eyes. Listen.

Quick, before the rolling pin…

Damnation, the wife came back from holidays a week early. Have to squeeze out this third and final bit of ‘radio’ before I get told to forever turn that noise down. Besides I was going to post the next music class but it was written so long ago that it was full of pictures of Senator Fries McCain making the frog face and now it’s like … who is that old bugger?

Ribbit Ribbit

Ribbit Ribbit

This meme is moved on. Once you go black you never go back. It’s not funny. Well it’s a bit funny. Well it’s hilarious actually. I hope the surgery to pull Mrs Palin out of his arse improves his mentality because he used to be a delightful old rightwing codger. Anyway I will have to use a picture of a real frog to explain about formants. Tune in for that.

Oh the radio programme has lots of pygmies, a couple of really bad songs, sex education and The Carousel of Progress! Use Windows Media Player or VLC or just whistle.

Garbage, second bag.

Another hour of garbage. Because I can. Scatman v.s. Nigel Simpkins, Magilla Gorilla, ‘today I’m walking my turtle’, The Great Snatch, psychic predictions for 1961. Plus other shit.


As a small child I would like to voice my support for the forthcoming censorship of Australian internet access. Heavens knows I’m just wallowing every day in Furry Anal sites and having the government restrict my access is more sensible than my parents having to take any responsibility. The idea of committees that decide what I may see is reassuring, because all public servants are just, dedicated and careful.

In my experience governments have never ever expanded censorship to include other information that doesn’t suit their agenda. Never happens, especially when the Prime Minister is some kind of raging churchfucker. Oh I’m sorry, that comment is unsuitable for Australian citizens or small children.

I can also honestly say that reducing the speed of access by about a third can only improve our already world class Internet reputation. Well done New Labor!